A Whisper to Forgive

 As you know, I'm a life coach and as such have sometimes fallen into the stereo type of this zen like person who is always up beat, positive, patient and never gets angry. People often comment on my positive outlook.  But what I want you to take away from this blog is that I am human.  And having the personality of a redhead and am feircely led by emotions makes me even more human and fallible.

I mentioned in my blog titled "God Truly Loves a Redhead" that I'm being called to work on my stubbornness and pride.  These, in truth, are the armor I wear to protect myself from being hurt.  Lately God has been calling me to lay down this armor.  He has been doing it with lessons in submission and obedience (the direct opposite to stubbornness and pride).  The last 2 weeks have been the hardest of all...but we all know it sometimes takes a ball bat to get my attention.

I don't talk about my spiritual beliefs because I consider my relationship with God to be very personal.  But if you will allow me, I'd like to tell you about what's been going on with me lately and what I'm learning.

We're back to the Sean issue.

 Two weeks ago I banished him from my life.  I was hurt and angry.  I couldn't believe that someone could kiss me to where my soul caught fire and the very next day find out I'm not the only one.  My account makes him sound like a big horse's ass. (Yes, I called him that to his face).  But there are things that really make me believe that this is from The Divine.  My intuition led me to the truth.  I had fleeting thoughts before I reached his house like, "Wouldn't it be like a bad comedy to find a strange car in the drive." Then later that day when I sent the text telling him that he wasn't welcome in my life was really strange.  The fact is that I was trying to delete the message and call him directly when I hit a key and the message was sent.  But once it was gone, I reasoned that it may not be how I wanted to tell him but it got the job done.

In the past, when something similar happened I would wallow around begging God to tell me why he was punishing me like this.  What had I done wrong? Why wasn't I good enough?... etc.  This would go on for months.  This time my prayers were different. I expressed to God my hurt and confusion at the turn of events.  But I was also overwhelmed with gratitude for the experience.  I had given from a willing heart.  I had followed my intuition. I had been my most authentic self for the very first time in my life. I was really proud of that and I wanted my actions to be remembered as a gift, not a bribe for him to love me in return.

Let's be clear.  These prayers did not mean that the hurt stopped or I was less angry right away.  But I was choosing to respond differently and prayed and prayed to be released from the negative and only be allowed to keep the positive.  Eventually the positive won and the tears stopped.  I have to say that I did really well to be only 10 into this.  It usually takes a lot longer.

There are things in this that I cannot answer.  But I understand that when I follow faith (no matter how little I have) and intuition, I don't always know or need to know those answers.  I am certain however that this was one of my lessons in obedience. God asked for the one dream that I hold most sacred.  He asked me to turn it over to him without hesitation.  I'm not happy about it but I'm choosing to trust even though it's hard.

Next lesson in obedience is forgive him.  I've gotten this message 3 times.  When I forgive it must also be a of my own free will and must be an act of love and not just obedience. Not easy when I wear my pride so well.  My pride keeps shouting, "He hurt me and must pay!"  My intuitions whispers, " Forgive anyway." I will choose to forgive.  I choose to remember the caring person I knew and how it felt to care for him.  Sean must also be allowed the freedom to choose what he feels is right for himself.  If that isn't me then so be it.

No I don't know what the future holds in this situation. All I can see is today.  But I can tell you that this situation has brought other strengths forward. I'm focusing on other tasks I need to get done. And facing this has brought courage to face other scarey things in my life and handle them.  But I'll tell you more about them in my next blog.