Takin' a lickin' but still tickin'

Redheads, good grief it’s been a day!!  Today was another day of fighting dragons.  It’s the first of the month so of course, that means rent is due.   This money dragon is such a bitch! 
I’m working almost 40 hours a week at my part time job and my whole paycheck for a month isn’t enough to make my rent let alone anything else.  My phone has been out of service for a week…  I’ve been pawning stuff for the last two months….  I do have groceries because I applied for food stamps.

Telling you this brings me to my knees with shame, but I promised you I’d live out loud and be my authentic self with you.   So let’s talk about what it feels like to be as low as I’ve ever been.  I walk around with a knot in my stomach most days and I’ve found a new definition of scared.  I’ve thought about calling it quits more than once and going back to my old comfort zone.  I just want to be living my big dream. I want to feel safe and be in a stable place.  Hell, I’d give my eyeteeth just to be able to go shopping because my jeans are too big.   

Lately, I’ve really been taking a beating from the dragons, I’m discouraged, tired and worried to a frazzle, and when I lay my head on my pillow at night the only prayer I have the strength to say is, “I trust you, God.”  However on the flip side, I must be getting some pretty good licks in of my own, because the dragons haven’t beaten me quite yet and some pretty amazing things are beginning to happen.  Things are starting to shift.  I’ve just finished with one coaching client and am halfway through sessions with another.  I’ve also been offered an opportunity to join a group of people already practicing in the mental wellness field.  I’m thinking that this would be wonderful opportunity to expand my knowledge and hopefully find some amazing mentors. 

Another good thing that happened this week was that the director of the Job Corps mentoring program (STARS) that I’m part of sent me a job posting she found.  It’s with an organization that has openings for jobs with my coaching skill set. 

You know what else, my rent got paid this month and I have food in my cupboard.  My job may not pay much but I get to be around some really good people.  I love the people I work with and our guests are such a pleasure to serve.  I really don’t mind going to work at all.  I always come home exhausted, but happy.

Lastly, I’ve been given the gift of someone amazing to spend time with.   This is not a relationship that is all moonbeams and rose petals either. This is a relationship that the two of us work hard on everyday.  He brings so many wonderful things into my life that it’s hard to say thank you for all that he does for me.

This whole experience has also taught me some really difficult lessons.  I’ve learned what’s really important.  For instance, those things that I had to pawn – I don’t miss them at all. I’ve also got some beautiful people looking out for me.  Oh and since Chick-Fil-A and Wendy’s don’t take food stamps, I (or my new friend) cook dinner every night – hence the reason my jeans are too big now. 

No, things aren’t perfect yet, and I’m still worried and scared, but I’d say the scales are beginning to tip in my favor.  Y’know, after talking to you, I think I’ve decided to hang in there just a little longer and keep trusting.