Hi Redheads!!
It's been a few weeks since I've written. Truth is, I didn't think I had anything to write about since nothing good was happening. Well, if I'm going to write about life as decided redhead, then I need to write about the days that aren't going so well too. We've all had them. Some of us are going through them right now.
For me at the moment, it's money. I guess, I should tell you how I got in the place I am. Please know that this is not a petition for sympathy. In fact, I hate admitting that I'm week, need help or that I simply don't have my shit together on any given day. I guess, I hate admitting that I'm fallible and human. Truth is currently, I don't feel like much of a Redhead. I'm not feeling very brave or courageous. What I feel like is a tiny little girl whose been sent out to slay the biggest and meanest dragon that ever existed, armed with a butter knife.
It's been a looooong year for me. Intuition told me many years ago that I would be a life coach. I just didn't know how I would do it and in the mean time, spent a lot of time in jobs I hated. Well, last spring, the path to my vocation opened up when I was up to my eye balls in the worst job I had ever had. One day a new girl in the office and I were chatting about the stuff one talks about when making a new friend. She mentioned that she was studying to be a life coach. Well my ears perked up and suddenly I only had one question. Could I have the name of the school she was attending? I contacted them that very night. And within a week, had the enrollment process started. As I'm getting all this stuff done to start my big dream, my boss comes to me a few weeks after that and tells me that my job is being moved to corporate headquarters and in 10 weeks I'll be out of a job. This was not the plan. I was going to stick the job out for two more years as I finished training and built my practice. But y'know, my initial reaction was not the shock and fear that I expected. Instead this incredible peace washed over me. I knew I'd be ok. God had this.
Ok so here I am a year later and the practice is still not where I want it. The money is pretty much gone. NOW WHAT!!!
I have to say that things with my practice are starting to move forward. I'm getting affirmations everyday, however, I'm frustrated - no, that's not a big enough word... I'm mad as hell - that things aren't moving faster. I'm feeling the pressure to give up and go back to the safety of horrible jobs. The thing is that I really believe in my big dream. I see how my path has progressed over the last year to set the stage for it. Even my relationship with Sean played a very pivotal roll in establishing networking opportunities for me. And recently when I had to ask for help, he was the one who showed up to give it.
I'm at this cross road. On one side there is a big sign that says, "COMFORT ZONE...THIS WAY." and the other sign says, "BIG DREAM !!!" The road to my comfort zone ironically enough is lined with flowers and rainbows, however I know that what awaits me there is tedium and feeling like I have nothing to contribute. On the other, hand I look down the road toward my big dream and I see the dragon. But I know that once I get past this, I'm going to find everything my life could possibly be.
The fight or flight instinct is so strong at the moment, it's all I can think about. Fear is pulling me back to the familiar routine of my comfort zone. It continually reminds me what I've given up and what I could still lose. But to have that life back, how much of my soul will I lose? The dragon, could kill me. I'm so ill equipped to deal with it.
This thought overwhelmed me to the point on Thursday that I literally could only think of running!! And run I did!! I couldn't even talk to anyone without the urge to burst into tears. I actually had to leave work. The only thing I could think of was to get to church.... Folks, if you knew me, you'd know that as close as I am to God, I don't have a church home and up to this point have been happy without one. Anyway, the only thought was that the Catholic church was open and I could go there. I showed up at the church office nothin' less than a hot mess asking to see the priest. I had to wait almost an hour for him. I sat in the office with tears silently streaming down my face as I waited because I needed to ask for expert help and guidance. (Yeah, how humbling for my stubborn pride was that?)
As I said before... Some days you're BBQ. And that was me. So here I stand, with my red hair all singed and covered in soot, but I'm still standing. I guess the fact that I'm still standing is a victory in itself.
