Trying on a Dream

Today, I did something I've been talking about for a very very long time.  I decided to try on an old dream for size.  I went to the Harley Davidson dealership and picked out my new motorcycle.

The salesman, Steve, at Old Glory Harley was wonderful.  He asked me what I wanted.  Hmmm that stopped me in my tracks for a moment. All I knew was that I've wanted a Harley since I bought Misty (the Yamaha).  My criteria was that it had to have the fat boy gas tank; low enough for me to reach the ground and it had to be RED!!!  (Of course, what other color is there, right?)  He walked me straight to the animal of my dreams.

 I stepped up to the beast, threw my leg over and settled into the saddle of a 1690cc Harley Softail Deluxe.  As my hands closed around the hand grips, I closed my eyes and a very familiar thrill fluttered in my stomach.  I remembered how much I loved that feeling.  I got it every time I released the clutch and opened the throttle.  Then the bike would roar into motion and my soul would take flight.  As I sat on that bike, it felt like I was on a long stretch of west Texas road with nothin' but blue sky and sunshine around me.

When I opened my eyes, what struck me the most was how confined I have allowed my life to become.  I've been living in limitations and lack.  I've forgotten what's possible.  Not after today!!!  I don't know when or how I will manifest this in my life but apparently, that dream still fits.  Time to do something about it.

Resolution

I solved the jealousy issue.

I said good-bye.

I went to see him at work yesterday to apologize.  He accepted and asked if we were still friends. What came out of my mouth was completely unexpected, even to me.  "Ummmm... We will be friends in the sense that you will be someone I think well of and will pray for, but we won't be talking to each other anymore."  I had not planned to say that.  In fact, I never expected to have him ask the question.

You should have seen the look on his face.  He was truly upset by this.  I wasn't angry as I gave him my reasons why.  I was worth more than this and I refuse to go back into the darkness.

Just as I'm walking out, his son came in.  I took the opportunity to say good-bye to him too.  I wanted to tell him how much I loved him and his sister and what a gift I thought they were.  I know I shocked the poor kid right down to his socks, but I couldn't not say good-bye and this would be my only opportunity. Then it was all I could do to walk out of the store calmly because my heart was about to break in two.  I love them with my whole heart.

Later, curiosity got the better of me and I asked Sean in a text why he looked so upset when I gave him the news.  He didn't have a straight answer for me but he admitted to being upset.  We talked for a long time on the phone and resolved a lot of things.  He wants to continue on the path he's on.  We eventually said good-bye one last time and hung up.  I asked him to delete me from his phone and I did the same.

Redheads, as I said in my first blog, life is about living out loud. This relationship did not work out the way I had hoped, but the thing is that I enjoyed it while it was in progress.  I took a chance.  I had some really good experiences and it didn't end on a bad note. Sean and I were really great friends before the romance and the other drama.  Who knows, we may rekindle that friendship someday.  No worries.  I have peace and am in a good place about this.

Next blog will be something better.

Pea Green with Envy

I hate being jealous!!!  This emotion is the very worst for me.  It is the ultimate in victim energy.  It feels like poison ivy popping out all over the place.  Worse, it makes me feel vulnerable and exposed.  

No enlightenment here at the moment that's for sure.  

The Redhead got the better of me and I told Sean exactly how I felt about the situation.  There was no high level energy speaking words of encouragement.  This was pure unadulterated redheaded emotion.  Yet the words I spoke weren't hateful.  I didn't call him any names.  I didn't curse the day I met him.  I didn't beg him to love me back. I was upset and yelling when I said this but, I told him exactly how I felt about his actions and how he was treating me.  I told him about the good man I see behind what's really going on and I told him I was still glad for the experience.  I also told him that when he was ready to stop wallowing around in the dark and choose the light, to show up at my door.


No, can't say I'm really sorry for my actions.  Just don't like jealousy to be the trigger of my emotions.



 

Miracles Within

Today my post is not about me but something I witnessed this week.

That whisper to forgive became a command about a week ago when Sean called and asked me to have dinner  with him and his kids because he wanted to talk some things over.  He was up front about what he wanted to say but I still went with quaking knees and rolling stomach.

I was greeted at the door by his daughter.  Now she and her brother are very special treasures to me and I have missed them a lot since that awful day because I was used to seeing them once or twice a week and I really enjoyed spending time with them.  The smile on my young friend's face was as big as mine and I knew she had missed me too. ( Can't tell you how my heart smiled!)

Dinner with them was wonderful!!! The four of us quickly fell back into our routine.  We talked and laughed and by the end of the meal I found myself in the middle of a towel fight.  I lost...

Things really started to shift when Sean and I sat down privately to talk.  He told me the whole sordid story.  He didn't beg my forgiveness. His opening line was that he didn't want any more lies between us and he humbly laid the truth at my feet and let me decide what I would do with it.  I was shocked and hurt, but tried not show it.  But honestly, I wasn't as hurt or angry as I thought I'd be.   The thing is that I wasn't able to focus on myself, because what I saw was a man who was genuinely trying to show up as someone better than he thought he was. Here was a man who craved change.  He had been in the dark for sooooo many years and this small conversation was his first tentative step back into the light.  The courage it took was no less admirable than a soldier on the battlefield.  I couldn't help being proud of him.

The things he did right that night were that he wanted truth and I was the first person he wanted to make peace with.  He had a desire to confess to everyone he had hurt and face the consequences.

Since that day, I have seen him show great courage in trying to atone for the hurt he has caused others.  He  could have continued with the lie to save his own skin since no one would have known the truth, but he didn't.  He risked everything and lost much but he still wants change.

No, he is not my boyfriend and he never will be.  But the next morning, intuition flashed for me.  I need to teach him the things I know about intuition, the law of attraction and energy shifting, not to mention a few other things.  This was not easy for me to obey since the wounds are still pretty fresh and in essence I'd be planting seeds that I would never see the harvest on.  It would require a much higher level of energy than I wanted to give.  It would require forgiveness I didn't want to grant.  But I chose to obey anyway.

Since that day, I've had multiple affirmations that I'm on the right path, but last night was miraculous.  I took the movie "The Secret" to his house.  I had arranged with him to have his kids watch with us but I didn't tell anyone what the movie was about.  Everyone kind of moaned and groaned until we were about 5 minutes into it.  Suddenly Sean started taking notes in a notebook I gave him.  And his daughter was entranced.  Sean's son kind of sighed and groaned for the entire 90 minutes but surprised me when we opened up discussion afterwards with some very interesting insights even though they were in the form of jokes.  He had been paying attention.  His 14 year old daughter got it and Sean was already planning on how he could implement "The Secret." They have all had a pretty rough go at it for a very long time and it seems that it was the key they all needed.  They all seemed hopeful now.

At one point we were discussing situations that we had encountered which at the time seemed horrible, but looking back on had turned out to be just what we needed.  Sean's daughter was talking about moving into their current home.  She spoke of how she had hated leaving friends and school and being afraid of the unknown. Then she started listing all the good things that had happened to her after the move and the last thing she said was, "and I got to meet Miss Tammy."  My heart spilled over with happiness and I almost cried.  Her brother even gave me a gift of his affection -  as much of one as a cool teenage boy can.  He wanted to share a really funny video with me.   My gift was that I have earned the affection of children.  An honor I will carry with me forever.

After the kids went to bed, Sean and I talked for a very long time.  What I discovered was that even though things didn't turn out the way I hoped, we have a really solid friendship. We talked openly and honestly about so many things.

I know I'm being asked to put aside low energy emotions to help create real change in someone's life (and sometimes the hurt really takes over).  However, I see how The Divine is working in this situation. Sean has all the hallmarks of a redhead and his stubborn streak is as legendary as mine so it's not going to be easy for my friend and I'm afraid it will get worse before it gets better, but I know that in the end, something really good will come out of it.
Yes, I know.  This situation will only last for a short time.  Then I will need to say good-bye.  (For some reason when Sean and I talked about this, he looked seriously sad... imagination on my part?)  but for now, I need to do as intuition directs me.  I can't explain it but today all I could feel was gratitude.  I felt like God was on my side and something amazing was about to happen.

Energy Shifts Are Like Hurricanes

Ugh! I can breathe again!!! It's such a wonderful feeling.  The past couple of months have been suffocating.  I've been in a chapter of my adventure where I've been slaying dragons.  Money, love, money and building my practice.  Not to mention a few other things.

According to fairy tales, the slaying dragons part of the adventure is supposed to be romantic and glorious. BULL!! It's a lot of worry and hard work.   It's spending more days in the dark than in the light and praying like there is no tomorrow. (Somedays we actually think there may be no tomorrow)

All that shifted today!!

First, I was awakened at 4:45 this morning.  I heard intuition as plain as day tell me something important about Sean.  Unfortunately, I didn't write it down, but it gave me great peace that is still with me.  But that's just the tip of the ice berg and compared to the rest of the day, pretty irrelevant.

Later, when I actually got out of bed I decided it would be really nice to sit in my favorite park; under my favorite tree and enjoy the sunshine. So I got up, got dressed and decided to spend my last $5 on breakfast at Dunkin Donuts and head out.  I got to the park and found my spot.  It was cold enough for a coat, however there was no wind and the sun was warm on my face.  It was heavenly!

Now this particular park is my sanctuary.  I've walked hundreds of miles on the trail. I've celebrated good days there and cried a lot of tears too.  This park is in the middle of the city, yet I've counted as many as 2 dozen deer in the picnic area on a summer evening.  These same deer have walked to within 6 feet of me on many occasions.  Today, I wrote in my journal and spent some quiet time with The Divine.  I love the sense of peace I get when I'm there.  As I finished my prayer, I looked up to find a hawk circling directly over my head. He was flying so low, I could almost see his eyes.  This was of particular importance because I always take hawk as a good omen.  To me, it means that my prayers have been heard and God is with me.

Next thing that happened was that I was nearly home when another hawk flew out in front of my car.  I burst into tears at that moment.  These were happy tears though.  I heard my intuition say, "You are now standing in the light."  And there was the moment of my energy shift. The day just kept getting better.

When I got home, I checked my mail to find a check that I was waiting on. It wasn't due for 2 more weeks but it arrived early. Now, I can get caught up on all my bills. YAY!!! That was the big thing. Taking away my worry over money was like blowing up a dam and good things just kept pouring out.

I talked to 4 people today about life coaching.  Two made appointments to meet with me.  Got my homework done for college.   I went out to dinner and met a group of ladies who get together once a week to talk and crochet.  I love to crochet so I made 5 new friends.  Everything was just so synchronistic.  I just felt like I was in the flow all day and moving forward.  Sure beats feeling like I was sinking in quicksand.  I can say, it's been a fantastic day!

Little Moments that Make My Day!!

I have a part-time job in a restaurant and I love talking to the people that come in.  The other day, I was waiting on a man who was in his late 50's or so and I offered him something sweet to round out his meal.  He said, "No thanks. I've already got something sweet. I brought my wife with me."  

I smiled the rest of the day.  It was even sweeter because his wife had gone off to the restroom and did not hear what he said.  This man, wasn't just saying stuff to flatter his wife when she was there to hear it.  He really felt it.  

Turns out they've been married 37 years.  

What little things make you smile?

Checkin' In With You

I do all the talking hear.  Let's hear from you.

I'm reading a great book by Joyce Myer call the "The Battlefield of the Mind."  It's all about the kind of thinking that can keep you from succeeding at the adventure you have set out on and how to combat it.

What keeps you positive in the face of adversity?


(In the comments section there is a drop down menu that gives you a bunch of choices, just scroll down and click the one that says "name/URL" and type your name for me so I can respond.)

A Whisper to Forgive

 As you know, I'm a life coach and as such have sometimes fallen into the stereo type of this zen like person who is always up beat, positive, patient and never gets angry. People often comment on my positive outlook.  But what I want you to take away from this blog is that I am human.  And having the personality of a redhead and am feircely led by emotions makes me even more human and fallible.

I mentioned in my blog titled "God Truly Loves a Redhead" that I'm being called to work on my stubbornness and pride.  These, in truth, are the armor I wear to protect myself from being hurt.  Lately God has been calling me to lay down this armor.  He has been doing it with lessons in submission and obedience (the direct opposite to stubbornness and pride).  The last 2 weeks have been the hardest of all...but we all know it sometimes takes a ball bat to get my attention.

I don't talk about my spiritual beliefs because I consider my relationship with God to be very personal.  But if you will allow me, I'd like to tell you about what's been going on with me lately and what I'm learning.

We're back to the Sean issue.

 Two weeks ago I banished him from my life.  I was hurt and angry.  I couldn't believe that someone could kiss me to where my soul caught fire and the very next day find out I'm not the only one.  My account makes him sound like a big horse's ass. (Yes, I called him that to his face).  But there are things that really make me believe that this is from The Divine.  My intuition led me to the truth.  I had fleeting thoughts before I reached his house like, "Wouldn't it be like a bad comedy to find a strange car in the drive." Then later that day when I sent the text telling him that he wasn't welcome in my life was really strange.  The fact is that I was trying to delete the message and call him directly when I hit a key and the message was sent.  But once it was gone, I reasoned that it may not be how I wanted to tell him but it got the job done.

In the past, when something similar happened I would wallow around begging God to tell me why he was punishing me like this.  What had I done wrong? Why wasn't I good enough?... etc.  This would go on for months.  This time my prayers were different. I expressed to God my hurt and confusion at the turn of events.  But I was also overwhelmed with gratitude for the experience.  I had given from a willing heart.  I had followed my intuition. I had been my most authentic self for the very first time in my life. I was really proud of that and I wanted my actions to be remembered as a gift, not a bribe for him to love me in return.

Let's be clear.  These prayers did not mean that the hurt stopped or I was less angry right away.  But I was choosing to respond differently and prayed and prayed to be released from the negative and only be allowed to keep the positive.  Eventually the positive won and the tears stopped.  I have to say that I did really well to be only 10 into this.  It usually takes a lot longer.

There are things in this that I cannot answer.  But I understand that when I follow faith (no matter how little I have) and intuition, I don't always know or need to know those answers.  I am certain however that this was one of my lessons in obedience. God asked for the one dream that I hold most sacred.  He asked me to turn it over to him without hesitation.  I'm not happy about it but I'm choosing to trust even though it's hard.

Next lesson in obedience is forgive him.  I've gotten this message 3 times.  When I forgive it must also be a of my own free will and must be an act of love and not just obedience. Not easy when I wear my pride so well.  My pride keeps shouting, "He hurt me and must pay!"  My intuitions whispers, " Forgive anyway." I will choose to forgive.  I choose to remember the caring person I knew and how it felt to care for him.  Sean must also be allowed the freedom to choose what he feels is right for himself.  If that isn't me then so be it.

No I don't know what the future holds in this situation. All I can see is today.  But I can tell you that this situation has brought other strengths forward. I'm focusing on other tasks I need to get done. And facing this has brought courage to face other scarey things in my life and handle them.  But I'll tell you more about them in my next blog.