From Dork to Redhead

This is me before I discovered the Redhead (age 11 or 12)

  


 Looking back at it now, I was everything my ancestors were and I inherited it directly from my parents.  My mother was indomitable.  For a tiny woman of 5 feet tall she is dynamite personified.  She is tenacious and absolutely not afraid of confrontation.  There was never a challenge that she didn’t meet head on.  She was also a pillar of strength.  Looking back, there were some pretty scary times for our family, but I never, ever heard my mom complain or lash out.  She just got up each day and did what was necessary and somehow got us through the storm.   My dad is a very gentle person… that is until you threaten his family; then all bets are off.  He lives by a personal code that is like a knight in shining armor.  He taught me temperance. As I said before, he worked two jobs my whole life to provide for us.  I used to watch him get ready for work in the morning.  He never complained but if you looked closely you could see in his demeanor that he hated his job. ( I always thought that he was worth more than the profession he chose.) He worked shifts and sometimes only got a few hours sleep between. He would get dressed in his work clothes except for his boots.  Then he would sit quietly and drink his coffee until the last possible moment.  His boots seemed like lead weights as he dragged them on.  Then he would shrug into his coat with a sigh; grab his lunch pail and kiss Mom three times before leaving.  I loved watching their good-byes. It was as if those kisses were the armor with which he would face his day.  How much strength and dedication did it take to work like that every week?

     Growing up I felt like I was always under a veil.  There was my real self that was intelligent, passionate, caring, affectionate, independent and harbored a secret adventurous side.  I was also, stubborn and opinionated with a definite mind of my own.  It was a lot of unfocused power.   

     Then there was the me that everyone else thought they saw.  I was the fat kid so I was teased a lot.  Only a few looked beyond the surface.  And every attempt to show my peers what was underneath seemed to be met with even more ridicule. So I decided that since so few really cared who I was, I would have to be what they expected if I wanted to fit in. I spent a lot of years being a mirror.  I was the good daughter; the excellent student and what ever else anyone needed me to be.   It left me feeling that the redhead in me was a fatal flaw not an asset.  I thought that the real me was not worth love.  I spent much of my childhood in books too afraid to venture from beneath my veil.  I had good friends, but generally they were the one who offered friendship first.

      I told you I had a secret adventurous streak.  As a teenager, I dreamed of visiting far away places. But never thought I’d get to do it.  I thought that I’d be a teacher, get married and have 3 kids.  However, my life started to change when I was a freshman in high school and took a French class.  The first day of class my teacher was telling us how much the starting salary for a linguist was.  In 1980 that was $65,000.  That was more money than my dad made!  It was in that moment that my whole future changed and I set my first goal.  It was the biggest goal I ever set.  I was going to be a linguist.  That was the day I unconsciously started understanding who “the redhead” was. 

     That decision took my life on an adventure that so far has been worthy of a redhead…

The Soul of a Redhead

     As I mentioned before, I was born with the soul of a redhead.  I am very proudly an Irish-Hillbilly.  My family can document  beginning settled in the hills of the Appalachian mountains since the Revolutionary War and before that we were Irish.  I’m sure you’re familiar with the Irish personality but add 235 years of Hillbilly and you’ve got a real firecracker on your hands.

     Actually, I was an adult before I appreciated what an amazing lineage I have.  My ancestors came to America back when the country was still 13 colonies and settled in the remotest area of what was then the colony of Virginia.  The terrain was unexplored and completely wild.  Farms were carved out of the forest with hand axes and horse drawn plows.  The people who settled there were resilient, strong and believed they could create their own destinies.  They worked hard and spoke their minds.  They organized the Whiskey Rebellion, lived along side of Native Americans, and had their own homes divided by the Civil War.

     My family is astounding.  For example, my paternal grandfather was born in 1899 and at the age of 10 he left school to go to work in the coalmines.  His first job was to lead ponies pulling carts full of coal out of the mine.  He spent his whole life in those deep, dark caverns.  He learned the responsibility of helping to support his family at a young age.  I don’t imagine there was much time for games and dreams in his life.   We are traditionally farmers, miners and a bootlegger or two along the way.  The women were as strong as the men too.  There are no shrinking violets or debutants in my family.  There is a picture of one of my great, great grandmothers sitting astride a horse (not side saddle) in a long skirt with a rifle in her hands.  She was the first woman sheriff in the state of Kentucky.  Mind you, this was back before women could even vote.

     My parents had great foresight.  They appreciated their history but wanted more.  They were married shortly after graduating high school in the 1960's and left the Appalachians for better opportunities.  Their life was not glamorous or easy by today's standards.  My mother was a homemaker and chased two rambunctious little girls around all day as well as keeping her house spotlessly clean.  My father worked two jobs my whole life to support us.  I grew up witnessing their strength everyday.  They worked hard to make sure my sister and I had the room to dream.  With a lineage like that, is it any wonder that I’m a redhead?  I am proud to say that I have become the perfect combination of them both.  Like my mother, I am forthright and vocal when I need to be, but my father’s gentle spirit has taught me how to use my redheadedness like a secret super power.   

     However, I wasn’t always the quintessential redhead though, when I was growing up. I was a complete dork…trust me.  But I’ll tell you about that in my next blog…

I've Met My Match!

     One of my favorite movies of all time is The Quiet Man staring John Wayne and my very favorite redhead Maureen O'Hara.  Now Maureen O'Hara is the ultimate redhead, in my opinion. She is strong, opinionated, smart, proud and definitely passionate.  Oh yeah and with a stubborn streak a mile wide.  That's me all over!!

     Have you seen this movie? If not, I highly recommend it!! Anyway, John Wayne plays Sean Thornton an American boxing champion who retires from the ring after an accident and returns to his mother's homeland of Ireland.  In the movie, he and Maureen hit it off like a match to dynamite.  And it's love at first sight and after a tumultuous courtship they are are married and trust me, it doesn't get any less stormy.  There is a scene in the movie where she is trying to bring him down a peg and decides to leave him to prove a point and so heads off to catch the train before he wakes up one morning.  Sean Thornton finds out in the nick of time and gallops to town on his black steed to catch her before the train leaves.  Mad as hell, he jumps from his horse, snatches his woman by the arm, and proceeds to drag her on foot the "whole, long way" back to their farm. (Needless to say the five mile march home makes for some great comedy along the way.)  Long story short, after that she is as meek as a kitten, because she knows she has met her match. He understands her and because of that he is the only man who won't let her pull any crap.

     Guess what. I may have met mine.  Not in a romantic way but this man has definitely made an impression.  You see, this past Monday, I was in a major fight with God.  And I was not winning.  I had been praying for help, and God sent it, but I wasn't pleased with how He showed up.  He sent my friend, (my very own Sean Thornton) who offered exactly the help I had prayed for,  but this is the last person I wanted to see me vulnerable.  Truth be told, I hate letting anyone see me vulnerable, but having "Sean" witness it was, in my mind, the worst thing ever.  I was embarrassed to appear incapable or frail in front of him so as a defense mechanism, my pride got up and that stubborn streak showed its self.  And in true Maureen O'Hara fashion, I was spoiling for a fight and I was determined to win.  But y'know, he didn't let me pull any crap. "Sean" has this way was saying my name that stops me in my tracks and the sound of it just won't let me shut him out.  It's not angry, nor does he even raise his voice. It's not sexual either, but there is power in that one word.  It's like kryptonite.  It just takes all the fight out of me. Then my friend wrapped me in a big, warm hug and we talked.  I have to say that Sean didn't get his way because I still couldn't bring myself to accept his offer, but I can still say he won because I made progress by allowing myself to be vulnerable in front of him and our conversation yielded some really good ideas.

     Later, when I hugged him good-bye I was left standing in the middle of the living room in complete amazement.  "OMG! I realized in that moment that I could be completely myself in front of him!  He can handle "The Redhead!"  Looks like God was right after all.  He sent exactly the right person to help me, redheaded stubborn streak and all.  =)

     It's been a few days now and I've had time to go over the events of that day.  Hmmm... What have I learned?  Well, first of all, that when God shows up, it should never be questioned no matter how much it hurts my pride.  Sean, was acting with honor and respect for our friendship by offering to help.  I love to find ways to be of service to those I care about so why should that be any different for him?    He has no idea that even though I was stubborn and refused his help, I appreciate the fact that he showed up to make the offer in the first place.  Second, that it's okay to ask for and accept help. I don't have to be "Miss Independent" all the time.  I can't possibly have all the answers or skills to accomplish a task.  All in all, it was an excruciatingly humbling experience but I'm grateful for it and I like knowing that I have a friend in my life who won't let me pull any crap.

What is a Life Coach?

     I wanted to take this opportunity to say thank you all for reading my blog.  It's gratifying to have a following of individuals such as yourself.  And lately I've had quite a few questions from various sources about exactly what a life coach does.  So I thought that I'd take an opportunity honor your questions and explain a little more about my red-headed passion.


     First, it is very exciting!!! No two days are alike.  What coaches do is help take anyone from functional to optimal!! As a coach, I was taught to use principles that come from the new field of Positive Psychology that says that focusing on human strengths instead of failings will create stronger and more productive lives for our clients, as well as, high human potential. Now don't get me wrong. I am NOT a therapist. I do not deal with mental dysfunction or illness. I focus on those who want to create a balanced, fulfilled life.  My favorite quote says, "God doesn't have time to create a nobody...Only a somebody."  And I relish helping people figure out and fulfill their optimum potential.

     I might help people on a short term basis to perhaps gain perspective on a current situation or on a long term basis to achieve a particular goal. I hold them accountable for the steps toward that goal a client chooses to take and I help them overcome the fear and other blocks they will face on that path to fulfilling their dreams.

     Dreams and goals of my clients are as varied as snowflakes. I may coach someone on weight loss or even how to build a new life after leaving an abusive spouse. My practice specializes in dealing with deep blocks to goals by providing a safe, confidential place for clients to voice fears and long buried gremlins so they can examine them and decide what needs to done about them. Then I get to do the Snoopy dance as they succeed!!

     You should know that I'm not the expert on your life... YOU ARE. My job is to help you discover the truth of your own strengths so that you can make empowered decisions about your own life.  But what does that mean.... It means that I listen closely to all you say, I especially listen to what you aren't saying.  I look for patterns in our conversations that give me clues to your authentic self that I can bring forward into to the light for you to enjoy or change as you see fit.

     Just a few things to know about the industry as a whole... Here in the United States,  there is no regulation on specific training required to become a coach so basically anyone can hang a shingle and call themselves a coach. And not all schools have the same standards.  However, there are organizations such as the International Coaching Federation http://www.coachfederation.org/ that set certification standards and ethics in the field. I did attend the accredited school -  Institute for Professional Excellence in Coaching (iPEC) 

http://www.ipeccoaching.com/for my certification. That means I've got excellent training and am bound by a code of ethics in dealing with my clients.


     As a career,(even though my practice isn't as big as I would like yet) I've never been in anything I love more.  I get to do what I love most which is meet new and unique people.  I get to hear their stories and the biggest highlights of my job are when I get to uncover a hidden gem that a client didn't even know they had or when they get clarity on something that has plagued their success time after time. Those "break through" moments take my breath away.  Being a perpetual witness to the successes and changes created by the people that come into my life is really humbling and I can't help being grateful for the privilege.  I have my BIG DREAM and I am happier than I've ever been.

Magic Moments

A couple of weeks ago, I was talking about setting intentions to help achieve goals. Today I worked on my budget... not just my present budget but my dream budget. Yep I started a budget with all the income and expenses and financial goals I intend to have this year.  Now why in the world would I do that?  Because I set an intention to not only organize my time this year but to have a life of abundance and I believe that what you think about you bring about. 

Ok that does not mean that because I think something, it will magically appear, (well not completely anyway) but keeping something in the front of my thoughts creates energy.  When I spend time with something in thought and in a tactile sense, I get to know it.  I contemplate flaws and start to find solutions.  I start taking small steps toward those solutions. I begin experimenting to find what might work and what I can discard. 

Also, intuition opens up when I spend time with a future goal.  My connection to the divine seems stronger.  The energy I spend on it becomes another way to pray for it and be grateful for it.  Then, the right steps to take often seem to appear out of the blue.  I just seem to “know” what’s right.  And there are also those unexplainable moments where things fall into place without any effort from me at all…Those are the magic moments that let me know that I’m on the right path.   

I can’t wait to see what intentions you bring to fruition this year.  Keep me posted!!

The Voice of a Redhead

Hmmmm… I’m sure you are well aware that one stereo type for redheads is their ability to speak their mind and do it fiercely.  I’ve always known that I’m no exception to that rule.  However, I spent a lot of years trying to quell that facet of myself because I thought that a woman should always be sweet tempered and agreeable.  Imagine how flawed I felt when I failed almost daily to be the genteel woman that was my impossible ideal. 

Some time back I realized that I have this personality trait for a reason.  I am meant to speak the truth when the necessity arises.  Here’s something else, I’ve found that it takes more strength to tell the truth than to be agreeable.  To speak truth means being defiant. (Another hallmark of a redhead.)  As a rule, the truth isn’t always welcome; especially if it goes against the accepted norm or expectation.  The truth can cause pain.  With all that at stake, why in the world would anyone choose to be the bearer of truth?

This week I have struggled with that very question.  In this instance, I was really wishing that I could be that sweet agreeable woman who never voiced an opinion.  In fact, I have really been regretting having this trait because this week I was in a situation where I had to speak the truth to a friend that I care deeply about.  I don’t know about you, but I am usually Spirit led by that still small voice that guides me to speak it and it must come out exactly as I get it.  It really hurts me that sometimes I can’t paint hearts and flowers around it to soften the impact especially when it comes to the people in my life.  I would rather die than cause them pain.

Then you get to the interpretation of truth, whose truth is the right one?  That, as you know, is the crux of it all.  Everyone believes their truth to be the correct one and that argument goes around and around like a dog chasing his tail.

I spoke the truth to my friend and as expected it was NOT received with her saying, “Thank you for telling me the truth, I’m so grateful.”  This day, truth cost me a great deal, but what I don't know is what greater good will come of this (if any).  However,  I do know is that even if I never see the result of speaking out, truth ushers in light so illusions can be broken and problems can be solved.  I also know that truth must be delivered by a trusted individual in order to be believed. After all, who are you going to believe your friend or your enemy when the tell you, "Yes, those pants really do make your butt look big?"  My friend absolutely did not like hearing what I had to say and I couldn’t say it in any way that would spare her feelings, but I was the one tasked with delivering the message.  I may not have delivered it well, but I chose the path of truth so I must accept the responsibility of my actions. 

So Redheads our ability to speak up truthfully is not popular or glamorous and it should never be taken lightly because the last thing we want to do is hurt someone, but it is a testament to our strength.  (However, I think I want to improve how I go about it.)  You may be called to solve problems in your neighborhood or heal rifts between nations.  You were called to be strong and you were given the power to initiate change.  How have you used this power?

Intentions for 2012

HAPPY NEW YEAR FELLOW RED HEADS!!!

I just love the new year!  For me it's a time of new beginnings - A clean slate to set right all the things that aren’t working and to create endless possibilities.  I can spend hours contemplating those possibilities and praying for the lucky events that will bring them about.  For instance, that I will miraculously have the desire to skip the ice cream I’m craving and go get a salad instead.  Or that someone will walk up to me on the street and offer me my perfect job opportunity.  Unfortunately we all know that illusions evaporate quickly and I knew that I had to take decided action to make my goals happen. In the past, I would set the resolution and go after it with gusto.  (Yeah, and that would last until about Valentine’s Day.) Then I would beat myself up over my lack of discipline to complete my goal. 

This year, I’m shooting for sustained progress on my goals.  My goal for 2012 is to: BECOME THE MASTER OF MY OWN TIME

This has always been extremely difficult for me and in the past, I have preferred to make choices that would regulate my time for me and create dead lines the would force me into action (i.e a regular job with regular hours) because I felt that I wasn’t very good at self-motivation especially when it came to things I didn’t want to do. 

I have to say that over the years, I have found a few time management tricks that do work for me.  The biggest is the amount of time I spend on a task.  I hate housework with a purple passion.  I'm the kind of person likes to do a task and know that when it’s done I’ll never have to do it again, but housework… no matter how well I do it, I’ve got to do it again.  So taking the 2 hours a week to clean my house didn’t always happen because it took all my energy just to get motivated.  On the flip side there are other things that when I start, I don’t stop until I’m done.  An example of that would be research papers for college. When I sit down to work on them I lose all concept of time.  I don’t eat or even get up from my desk unless I have to go to the bathroom.  That’s not healthy either.  What I needed was balance. 

Years ago I found a principal that said you can do anything in 15 minutes a day.  Emily Barnes (author of “The 15 Minute Organizer) states that 15 minutes a day for 5 days on a task creates 2 ½ hours of progress by the end of the week.  Now here was a concept I could use.   I can stand to spend 15 minutes on a task I hate, however, 15 minutes isn’t nearly long enough to accomplish anything on a larger project like a research paper or a business plan.  Cool thing is that, I’m the master of my time so I simply allot more time for the bigger jobs.  Here’s how that’s panned out for me – 45 minutes on a large project and I must take a break, so I get up and do 15 minutes of cleaning in 1 room of the apartment.  In the space of 4 hours, I have accomplished 3 hours of work on the project and an hour on the apartment.  And since it only takes 2 hours to clean completely, I’m half done.

With a plan like that, I should already be accomplishing everything on my to-do list every day and be ahead of the game.  Not so!!  I struggle with motivation.  I find that I fritter away much of my valuable time in avoidance patterns.  What makes me avoid something? Puhleeeze… I have all kinds of reasons.  First would be how “bought in” am I to the task?  If I don’t like to do it, chances are, I’m not going to do it.  Time is also a factor, how much do I have or want to devote to a project or task? Then I find that I often have fear around a task.  This probably encompasses about 90% of the reasons I give myself for not getting started.  Lastly, I’ve spent much of my life involved in mediocre things that I was not passionate about. 

Well this year, I’m taking charge.  I’ve found my passion and I want nothing more than to be a success as a life coach.  Unfortunately, now I find that FEAR is my biggest enemy.  I want to live my life out loud so fear is something I will face quite a bit and I figure that if I’m dealing with it, then you may be too.  So this year, I want to talk about “setting intentions “and how to go about achieving them.  Since my intention is to become the master of my time in order to reach my ultimate dream, I’ve taken the step to post my “6 Most Important Things To Do” every day on my Facebook fan page.  I will periodically up date this through out the day with challenges and triumphs.  I invite you to post your own list and updates.  Next, my blog will post every Monday with discussion topics about intentions.  All comments, tips, tricks and questions are welcome.  My goal is to work through my own fear and create sustained progress, and maybe you will be able to create the same results for yourself in the coming year and take one more step to being a “decided red head.”

Much love and believe

Tammy